Conan did his first episode from his apartment. A very lavish, big apartment. He had a full beard, of course, and did his monologue sitting on the couch.
I think he had a monkey as a sidekick. I was there helping throughout the show. No one else but me and the camera guy were there.
The window behind Conan’s couch added a nice “late night” touch, with a good night view of the city.
And so went the first episode of “Conan” on TBS.
Obama will be the main attraction for the Democratic National Committee fundraiser this year. So, no clowns? Oh wait, Biden will be there.
Levi Johnston shot some campaign photos in a gun shop a few weeks ago. Levi’s favorite thing to hunt? Ovulating girls.
His new reality show will be called, “The Real Baby Mamas of Alaska.”
His manager compared Levi to Jesus Christ! I’m sorry, but the only thing Levi Johnston and Jesus Christ have in common, is making someone pregnant who wasn’t supposed to be.
The Vatican Bank is being investigated for possibly breaking money laundering regulations. Hey, little boys are expensive.
Two Americans who were competing in a balloon race went missing, after they flew over Italy. Really? Are you sure they’re not hiding in an attic?
A group of farmers in West Virginia have grown a giant pumpkin that weighs 954 pounds! They named it Kirstie Alley.
Justin Beiber said he is trying to stay single. Don’t worry, Justin, just keep that haircut.
Mexico has captured a major drug cartel leader, “El Grande.” I guess Paris Hilton gained a lot of weight.
Lady Gaga led a rally recently to repeal the military’s “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy. Don’t worry, Gaga, we won’t tell anyone you have a penis.
Spencer Pratt was arrested in Costa Rica a few weeks ago for possession of a firearm. Hey, I’d wanna shoot Heidi, too.
Did you guys watch the Emmy’s this year? Jimmy Fallon hosted. So the actors’ hearts weren’t the only thing breaking.
Katie Holmes is in the upcoming film The Kennedys, playing Jackie O! It makes sense that she is playing the unwanted one. She can probably relate to her character.
A cat in Mississippi adopted a squirrel into her litter of kittens. Now, the squirrel purrs just like a cat. A lot of men want to put Megan Fox in the litter to see her purr like a cat, too.
Doctors say they think Lindsay Lohan was misdiagnosed with ADHD and given Adderall. They say people who take Adderall that don’t need it can have symptoms like “smoking heavily, and tweeting and texting all night long.” If by tweeting and texting, you mean snorting and sexting, then yes. Lindsay has an Adderall problem.
A woman in New York faked having cancer to get people to pay for her wedding and honeymoon! And her husband found out after the honeymoon. This just proves: men are oblivious!
Twitter is changing its features. Soon users will be able to put pictures and videos in their tweets. If I’m not mistaken, the term for this is called, Facebook. Version 6-point-A.D.D.
According to an NYU study, John McCain is the best amongst the U.S. senators at using social media, like Facebook, Twitter, and Youtube. What he’s not best at: remembering where he put the computer.
Snooki was charged last month for annoying people at a beach in Jersey. If being annoying is a crime, then Kate Gosselin, you better get your ass to jail!
A male gynecologist in California is being sued for engraving a patient’s name on her uterus after removing it in surgery. He said he didn’t want to get it confused with the other ones. His sex life must be interesting. “I’m sorry! It wasn’t labeled!”
A Muslim woman is suing Disneyland for not letting her wear a head scarf to work, unless she works in the back where customers can’t see her. Dude, just give her an apple and let her play Snow White’s stepmother! Bam! Done. Can’t we all just get along?
Man, there are so many recalls lately, it’s crazy – eggs, deli meat, and now childrens medicine. What next? Recall of all the whores in city? ‘Cause those are definitely contaminated. And plentiful. And being used everyday.
I worked for this mafia group headed by Jude Law and some other guy. We had an apartment-like room in an inn. My mafia bosses wanted me to kill the next couple that came in.
It was this really fat couple. Who were very nice. Once they went to unpack their stuff, I attacked them – separately. First, I stabbed the husband, over and over, and blood squirted everywhere. He fell to the ground, but was not dead.
Thrown off, I then jumped to the woman, who had just come out of the bathroom. I furiously stabbed her. She bled all over the place, but did not die.
I tried again, stabbing her numerous times. She fell to the ground, and I continued to work at it, with all my muscle. She got back up again and angrily said, “If you’re gonna kill us, at least do it right!” She took the knife from me and showed me how to stab more effectively.
I tried again, on both the man and woman, but they still would not die. The woman was furious at me and coached me through it some more.
“My bosses are gonna kill me,” I thought. Blood covered the place – the floor, the walls, the couple, and even me. I stabbed like I never stabbed before (I hadn’t), but made little progress.
I felt like such a failure. I’ve done so many other things wrong throughout my life. Now I can’t even stab someone right.
Then I woke up.
Special thanks to Rush Hour 3 and Cop Out for inspiring this dream. Watched both that night.
Abrah, her random friend, and I went to Vegas. We went to a club (XS I think), and there was a huge ball pit – like Chuck E. Cheese style.
A Thunder from Down Under member told us of an upscale after-party his friend was throwing, and we said maybe, but we wanted to play in the ball pit first. And we did. Very fun!
Don’t think we made it to the party…
Wrote this in 5th grade. 
They Told Me Not To
by Nahreen Tarzi
They told me not to get dirty.
They told me not to play a joke.
They told me not to scream.
They told me not to choke.
They told me not to punch.
They told me not to bid.
They told me not to scare the mailman,
but all those things, of course, I did!
Pennyless Writer 