Pennyless Writer

There was going to be a big Muppet battle.  The last and biggest of their battles to end a long-going Muppet war.  I had just joined Kermit’s army.  I was fighting on the good guys’ sides.  The other side was a mob of mean, murderous Muppets.  I trained with Kermit’s army for weeks, until it was finally time to meet our enemies.

We made our way to the agreed upon battle site – a middle school gymnasium.  This was where it would all go down.  Muppets dying for what they believed in.  I was ready.  Ready to fight.  Ready to die.

We each had our own broom-like object that we flew on, soaring through the clear sky.  The object I was mounted on was a giant red Crayola crayon.  It was as thick as a lamp post, and as long as about 2 baseball bats.  I decided that I could also use my crayon as a weapon in the battle.

As I flew through the sky, I thought about how great it felt to fly.  So smooth, so relaxing.  I hoped that this wasn’t a dream.  It didn’t feel like one.  It felt so real.  If it was real, then I had just learned to FLY!  I would never have to sit through L.A. traffic again!  Traveling from now on would be relaxing, not stressful.

We finally reached the gymnasium, and landed right behind it.  We braced ourselves, and entered the building.  The hallway was dim, with only a few lights on.  We all took our fighting stance, as Kermit reached for the doorknob to the courts.   He opened it, and there was a silence.  We all froze, waiting for his command.

Kermit turned back to us. “They’re not here,” he said.  What?  Not here?!  We all began talking at once, our surprise and confusion causing a commotion in the group.  Kermit silenced us.  He found a note from their leader, and told us that they had backed out.  They surrendered.  They were too afraid to fight us.

Everyone else cheered, but I was angry.  No fight?  I had trained for weeks!  I had bulked up, worked my butt learning to fight like a warrior, and pumped myself up expecting a fight!  For nothing?  Those murderous Muppets who had hurt so many people, were afraid of fighting the sweet silly Muppets?  Outrageous!  Where was I supposed to channel my built up adrenaline?

“Dance partaaaay!” Fozzie yelled.  Suddenly, the lights in the hallway went even lower, and disco balls came down out of nowhere.  All the Muppets started dancing in their spots.  My anger immediately washed away and was replaced with excitement and delight.  Crazy Muppets!

I joined in the dance party, and we all laughed and danced away, weapons still in hand.  We eventually migrated to the courts, and continued our dance party.  Somehow, there was a punch bowl, and cups were being passed around.  Swedish Chef?  It was the most delicious punch I’ve ever tasted!  I’m pretty sure I saw some chickens being thrown around, too.  This whole event was bliss.  Muppets, flying, dance party, silliness, and delicious punch.  I was so happy.

Then I woke up.

A group of friends/co-workers and I were going to watch a live show in this lava cave.  It was like the cave of wonders from Aladdin, after all the lava erupted.

Our comedy producer was leading us. When we got there, we found out that she was a wizard (yes, female, but still called a wizard) and was being trained by Gandalf.  He was her mentor (lucky!).  This was her last assignment, and if she succeeded, she would become a full-fledged, all-powerful wizard.  Gandalf gave her some pointers, then left.  This would be a very dangerous quest – and we were all along for the ride.

Our “seats” were on this long, moving rock.  It swung slowly across the lava, as the live show went on.  Our comedy producer-wizard performed some spells and we were almost done, but the last part of the spell involved us all.  To complete the spell, we each had to stab someone in the lower back.

This one puny British guy somehow landed on our rock.  He was terrified and wanted to leave.  We told him if he wanted to get off this rock and go home, he needed to cooperate.  He finally agreed.

We had the British guy and few more people get on all fours, and I went first.  I stabbed my dagger  (don’t know where I got it) into the small of his back.  He screamed in pain and freaked out.  The others stabbed their pupils, and they grimaced in pain, but they dealt with it and didn’t freak out like the sissy British guy.

The wounds quickly healed, and our comedy producer told us to do it one more time.  I calmed the British guy down, then stabbed him again in the same spot.  He freaked out again and started throwing a fit, arguing with our comedy producer.  He hated me and thought I was doing it on purpose, to be malicious.

We had to switch places, and let others now stab us.  This would complete everything for the spell.  The lava was getting worse – splashing everywhere and growing higher.  Our rock was very close to being submerged in it.

We switched places, and I saw British guy coming for me.  He wanted to stab ME only.  I told him it was for the spell – I wasn’t trying to hurt him, but save him, and that he must stab me in the back only.  But it was no use.  He already lost it and was just trying to stab me anywhere.

Our comedy producer came over and pushed the British guy away to save me.  She told me to just stab myself, then decided to do it herself.  I got on all fours, while others came and held down the British guy.

She raised the dagger, about to stab me, and I closed my eyes to brace myself for the pain.  I was the last one who needed to be stabbed to complete the spell and save us all, and make our comedy producer the High Wizard.

The dagger came down.  Then I woke up.

I was in the real life version of Pirates of the Caribbean.  My group was below deck on a ship, and we were in mortal danger.  One wrong move, and we could die.

This one strong old guy with a hat was leading us.  We started to make a break for it, and evil pirates came out of every corner.  Bloody battles!

We were all okay, except at the last minute, an enemy’s sword sliced off the old guy’s arm.  He screamed in pain, then killed the enemy. We were safe.

Looking at the guy’s bloody shoulder with no arm, I said, “well, at least the dog’s okay.”  We had a white fluffly dog with us.  Everyone agreed with me.

Then I woke up.

I was in the next episode of Gossip Girl.  Dan was being very silly and annoying the whole time.  He almost got run over by a car because he was standing in the middle of the street.

Dan also had a weird obsession with carrots.  He kept stalking Serena and, with my help, found her.  She was in big trouble (as usual) and Dan and I were devising a plan to help her, and us, escape.

We were in a tiny shack, and began using whatever tools we had, like MacGyver. Dan was getting on my nerves even more.  We kept eating and using carrots as tools.  Then I woke up.

Recap of several dreams over the last few weeks.

1) I planned Demi Lovato’s birthday and then called her to explain the details to her, and see if she approved.  She was being a weirdo teenage girl and giggling too much. – Then I woke up.

2) My boss was at my house, trying to get me to confess “what I did” to my parents (I don’t know what I did). Then my house suddenly began sinking into water, and turned into the Titanic (but still my house).  I couldn’t find my boss, but I saw my family in the water and pulled them out, one by one.

I couldn’t find my dad, though, and all I could do or think about was looking for him to pull him out.  I was freaking out, but I knew I would find him.  Then I saw him, and went to get him.  – Then I woke up.

3) Some Christmas Carolers came to our home. They were singing at our door, but I was mad because I didn’t like carolers, so instead of giving them money, I told my mom I was gonna give them lasagna (she had made it for dinner).  My mom said she had already put a little “surprise” for them in each lasagna piece.

Then this guy from my high school was suddenly there, and was giving us props for being creative.  He thought we were cool and wanted to stay and hang out, so I gave him a soda. – Then I woke up.

4) The guy I liked peed all over the inside of my car.  In zig-zag lines, everywhere.  I was really mad.  His best friend told me about it.  His best friend was the bad guy from “Kindergarten Cop” – the dude with the ponytail.  I yelled at the peeing guy, then woke up.

5) There was some work party in a giant house, late at night with a full moon.  I was in a room with this Asian guy who kept grabbing me, and put his hand up my skirt, so I got mad and beat the crap out of him.  I beat him up bad.

One guy from work saw me, but he only saw me beating the Asian guy up. He went and started telling everyone I work with, one by one, not to be friends with me because I was a bully.  I finally caught up to him and told him that I beat the Asian guy up because he was groping me and put his hand up my skirt.  The guy said, “oooooooh, okay” and then, “well, good for you.”  – Then I woke up.

When I was in Kindergarten, I dreamt that aliens came to our new house on Lamer Street, and we fought them.  We fought them with our ninja-karate moves.

We were winning.  Then I woke up.

For some reason, DMX was mad at me, and so he started trying to catch me and kill me.  Faith Evans was helping him.  Both were angry and violent.

There was a lot of running through corridors, rooms, and more doors.  DMX did not catch up with me, but Faith did.

She caught me by the back of my shirt, and started digging her knife into my lower back.  It hurt so bad, and started bleeding a little.  She was grinding it in slowly.

Then I woke up.  I’ve been afraid of DMX ever since.  (and Faith Evans a little)

Don’t remember all the details.  Lucille Ball and Desai Arnez had a new-born baby.  They were staying in a hotel.  Staying in the room next to them was Charlie Sheen, Emilio Estevez, and that other dude from “The Breakfast Club” that also looks like them.  They were annoyed because the baby kept crying and making noise.

The next day, Lucille Ball went to church, and had to take the baby with her because she had nowhere else to put it.  So she went inside the church, and suddenly I was Lucille Ball holding the baby.  I went into a church pew, and who was sitting there but Charlie, Emilio, and Breakfast Club dude.

As soon as they saw me and the baby, they dogged me in annoyance.  The baby started fussing and crying a little, and the Sheen pack eyed me.  I did my best to soothe the baby, but it was taking awhile.  The Sheen pack was not happy.  This was getting stressful.

Then I woke up.  THE NEXT DAY I SAW EMILIO ESTEVEZ ON THE WB LOT!! He looked at me, and almost stared at me in a weird way, like he KNEW!!! AH!

(I had this dream awhile ago, so some of the details are lost).

After losing a sports game, a kid was in the locker room alone with the coach.  The kid was dressed in a Boy Scout uniform.  The coach yelled at him and blamed him for everything.

Suddenly, I was in the locker room, too, and we were discussing a plan.  The kid began yelling back at the coach, and explaining with very intelligent vocabulary what the problem was with the game, and with our plan, and what we needed to do to fix it.

It made perfect sense, and I agreed with the kid’s suggestions.  The coach, however, did not.  He lost it, shouted some line, like “fix this!” and stabbed the boy in the gut with a large knife.

The kid was in shock and pain, and sunk to the floor, dying.

The coach offered me the knife and wanted me to stab the kid.  I refused.  He said we had to pull out his organs, but I didn’t want to do it.

The coach got fed up and stabbed the kid again himself, gutted him, pulled out his entrails, and left him on the floor.  The coach then exited the locker room.

I just stood there, looking at the kid in shock.  Poor kid.  He was a smart one.  He could have helped us with our plan.  Whatever the plan was.  But mostly, he was a nice kid, who didn’t deserve to die for making a comment.  A smart and true comment.

Now I knew, I had to watch what I said around the coach.  He was like a mob boss.  Piss him off, and you’re dead.  I planned on calling the cops when I was in a safer place.  But for now, I just stared sadly at the dead kid on the locker room floor.

Then I woke up.

Conan did his first episode from his apartment.  A very lavish, big apartment.  He had a full beard, of course, and did his monologue sitting on the couch.

I think he had a monkey as a sidekick.  I was there helping throughout the show.  No one else but me and the camera guy were there.

The window behind Conan’s couch added a nice “late night” touch, with a good night view of the city.

And so went the first episode of “Conan” on TBS.