Pennyless Writer

THE SWEET SORCERER WHO IS A TURTLE AND THE FALSE-ASSUMING FRIENDS

 Written by Nahreen Tarzi

There once was a sweet sorcerer who was a turtle.  He lived in the woods, away from civilization, and was the Keeper of Peace for all wildlife.

One day, the sweet sorcerer who was a turtle was walking through the forest, on his way to visit his wise wizard owl friend. They were going to have tea and reminisce over all the magical battles they’ve had and all the innocent folk they saved over the years.

On his way over, the turtle saw a rabbit and a monkey standing next to the Lake of the Dead, an ancient lake full of evil alligators that eat even when they’re not hungry.

The alligators would not dare attack the sweet sorcerer turtle because they knew the potency of his power, but the rabbit and the monkey were just normal powerless animals, who looked really lost.

The sweet sorcerer turtle teleported over there to reach them as fast as possible and warn them about the alligators, so he could get them away from the lake.

However, as soon as the turtle appeared in front of the monkey and the rabbit, the two friends assumed that the sweet sorcerer turtle was evil and that he was trying to stop them for malevolent reasons.

The monkey took out a pen that he just happened to have, and threw it at the turtle. The pen exploded and drenched the turtle in ink, covering his ripped abdomen.

Unfortunately, ink was the one thing that made the sweet sorcerer turtle weak.  It burned his flesh, like when you put alcohol in a deep cut, but worse.

The sweet sorcerer turtle began crying in pain, and vanished into the sky, seeking refuge in the moon, whose moon dust could cure his wounds.  He sent word to the owl that he would be late for tea time.

The alligators saw this, and feared the creatures who wounded the all-powerful sorcerer turtle.  They dare not attempt to eat them.

The rabbit and the monkey walked around the lake, undisturbed, not realizing the danger they just evaded, and the innocent soul they just wounded.  The sweet sorcerer turtle wiped his tears and said to his friend the moon, “No good deed goes unpunished.”

The End

THE PEN IS MIGHTIER THAN THE SORCERER WHO IS A TURTLE

Written by:  My Brother

There once was a rabbit and monkey who were very good friends.

They lived in England and had lots of fun and stuff.

One time they roamed very far and then realized that they needed to rush home for Christmas.

They were most of the way back when they happened upon a lake.

As they were deciding how to get across the lake, a hunky sorcerer who was a turtle appeared and tried to stop them for some unknown reason.

The monkey took out a pen and threw it at the sorcerer who was a turtle while the rabbit sat upon a rock and watched.

The pen exploded ink all over the well toned abdomen of the sorcerer who was a  turtle and he started to cry before vanishing into the sky.

The rabbit and the monkey then walked around the lake and got home just in time.

Also, they saw a Christmas tree by the lake and Big Ben was close by and there was a big star in the sky.

THE END

The Indian girl slapped Jebediah across the face.

“Snap out of it, boy!”  Jebediah stopped yelling and took a deep breath so he wouldn’t cry in front of the tough Indian girl.  He didn’t want her to think he was a pansy.

“I’m sorry, but I just can’t believe it.  Are you sure we’re in Canada?” Jebediah asked.

The Indian girl picked up some meat from the trash can next to her and shoved it in Jebediah’s mouth.

“Does that answer your question?” she asked.  Jebediah made a disgusting face.

“Canadian bacon?! EW!” He spit out the 8-day old bacon.

“What’s wrong with Canada anyway?” The Indian girl asked.  “This country has done a lot for the world.”

“Like what?” Jebediah asked.

“Like…” The Indian girl hesitated.  “Shut up! Canadians are nice people, okay! They gave you Maple Syrup!”

“Okay, okay, jeez!” Jebediah said.  “What’s your name, anyway?”

“Lulu,” the Indian girl answered.

“Well, Lulu, will you help me get back home?”

“I don’t know…what’s in it for me?” Lulu asked.

“You’ll be helping someone in need. I thought you said Canadians are nice people.”

“I’m not Canadian, you fool!  I just live here.  Give me your shoes, and I’ll make that cheeseburger wish he was never born,” Lulu said.

Jebediah looked down at his new Willy Wonky chocolate shoes with sadness.  They still had some dog poop on them.

“Fine,” Jebediah said as he took them off and handed them to Lulu.  She put them on with a big smile, except they were 4 sizes too big, so she looked like a clown.  A Willy Wonka clown.

“Lets go,” Lulu said, “I saw him go this way.  But we have to hurry because I have to get home soon.  Dr. Phil starts at 4:00pm.”

Lulu and Jebediah began walking in the direction that the cheeseburger escaped.  Lulu stopped by the trash can.

“What’s wrong?” Jebediah asked.

“Do you smell that?” Lulu asked.

“Smell what?”  Suddenly, a small dark object shot up out of the trash can and hit both Lulu and Jebediah.

“Baaaaah!  Gotcha!”  It was the cheeseburger, except now he was all black because he had been grilled and burnt by the fire in the trash can.  And he also had some dog poop on him.  The disguised cheeseburger grabbed Lulu and Jebediah with his lettuce hands.

“Who wants to go bye-bye?” the cheeseburger said.

“I’ll bye-bye your face in a second!” Lulu yelled.  The cheeseburger spit pickles at Lulu’s eyes.

“Aaah!  I can’t see!  Do something, boy!” she yelled.  Jebediah growled like a lion and took a big bite out of the cheeseburger.

“Oow! You’ll pay for that, Jebediah!”   The cheeseburger was really angry now.  He had a big hole in his head.  He suddenly sang an ancient Japanese chant.

“Thanas soonas sooneechee!” A flash of green light with pink polka dots filled the sky.  The day turned into night.  Jebediah saw a carriage pass by in front of them, with people dressed strangely sitting inside.

“Where are we?” Lulu asked after she took the pickles off of her eyes.

“You mean WHEN are we?” Jebediah asked with fear, but trying to hide his fear so Lulu wouldn’t think he was a pansy.

“Muah ha ha ha!” the cheeseburger cackled. “I forgot to mention, I’m ALSO a time machine! SUCKA! Juked again! Ha ha!”

TO BE CONTINUED….

“You stupid cheesehead!” Jebediah shouted at the cheeseburger in his hand.  He chucked the burger as far as he could.

“Ow!” a voice shouted.  Jebediah turned and saw a young Indian girl rubbing her face, where some cheese residue sat on her cheek.

“I’m sorry,” Jebediah said.  He walked over to the girl.

“What the hell are you throwing a cheeseburger for, anyway?” the angry girl asked in an Indian accent.  She bent down to pick up the burger.

“NO!” Jebediah yelled.  He jumped at the girl and knocked her away from the burger.

“What is wrong with you?  Get off of me, you monkey!”  the girl yelled.  Jebediah stood up and helped the girl up.

“I’m sorry, but that cheeseburger is evil!  It’s a teleportation device.”

“A what?” the girl’s eyes popped open.

“A teleportation device,” Jebediah answered.  “It takes you to other places around the world.  But it’s evil!  It tricked me and brought me to China without telling me.”

“China?!” the girl said in surprise.

“India?” Jebediah guessed.

“No, no, boy.  You are in Canada.”

“Canada?! Nooooo!”

TO BE CONTINUED….

Jebediah jumped down from the tree and landed in a pile of mud.  He began wiping the mud off his feet until he realized that it was actually dog poop that he had landed in.

“Jebediah…” a voice whispered.  Jebediah turned to search for the source of the whisper, but no one else was at the park.  It was still only 9:00am on a sunny Saturday morning.  Everyone in BonBonville was still asleep or moping around their house probably looking for old Cheese-Its under the couch.

“Jebediah…” the voice said again. This time it was louder and it sounded like a fat jolly Black man. Jebediah noticed a big juicy cheeseburger sitting on the ground next to the dog poop he had just stepped in.  He got a nervous feeling in the pit of his stomach.  He knew that cheeseburger was not there before.

“Jebediah, come hither,” said the cheeseburger.

“What the fudgestickle?!” Jebediah shouted and jumped back.

“Now you know it isn’t proper to curse, lad,” the cheeseburger replied.

“Don’t tell me what to do you fat lard!” Jebediah yelled.  He tried to act tough with the burger, but deep down he was shitting bricks.

“Don’t you want to have a bite?  I know you want to.  I’m very delicious and I know how much you love cheeseburgers.  Well, I’m the best-tasting burger in the world!”  Now the cheeseburger was losing it.  He cackled like a sissy witch.

“You’re a piece of junk!  I’m gonna trash you and go eat some REAL food – like broccoli, or tuna!”  Jebediah ran over to the cheeseburger and picked it up off the ground.  As he ran over to the trash can, he felt a tingle all over his body.  He looked up and noticed he was now running in a marketplace in China…or India.  Jebediah couldn’t tell.

The cheeseburger cackled again like a little sissy girl who just stole a Malibu Barbie doll.

“Where am I?” Jebediah said, looking at the Eurasian dude next to him with fear.

“Gotcha sucka!” the cheeseburger laughed, “I’m a high class teleportation device and I just juked you GOOD!  Oh SNAP!”

TO BE CONTINUED….

Tune in next time to find out what happens to Jebediah in this strange Chinese-Indian country.