DREAM: Dan Loves Carrots

Posted: March 8, 2011 in Dreams

I was in the next episode of Gossip Girl.  Dan was being very silly and annoying the whole time.  He almost got run over by a car because he was standing in the middle of the street.

Dan also had a weird obsession with carrots.  He kept stalking Serena and, with my help, found her.  She was in big trouble (as usual) and Dan and I were devising a plan to help her, and us, escape.

We were in a tiny shack, and began using whatever tools we had, like MacGyver. Dan was getting on my nerves even more.  We kept eating and using carrots as tools.  Then I woke up.



Posted: January 28, 2011 in Poems

(to my MANN Mafia roomies)

I love my amazing MANN

and all the years we’ve shared.

I love you for all the things you’ve done

that showed me how much you cared:

For hugging me when I was stressed,

For making me ice skate against my will.

Your shoes are flippin big ones

that no one else can fill.

I love my MANN most of all

for always making me laugh.

You know me so well, inside and out,

You’re truly my other half.

My MANN is crazy.

My MANN is legit.

You’re intelligent, caring, hilarious –

My MANN is the perfect fit.

To my husband, my groomie, my Sista Jazz,

and all the delirious nights we’ve had:

I’ll miss our dyslexic Buddhist days

and all the wonderfully wacky ways

you made me smile, even when I was mad.

I love all the awkward adventures we’ve had:

Utopian Societies, “wake-up” slaps,

the many, MANY, accidental naps,

the Grapes of Wrath, the sandwich on the wall,

trying funky clothes on at Fox Hills mall,

prom dates, code names, dissecting our rat,

taking out Froggie’s macaroni fat,

our spot, wearing things sideways, our Mr. Feeny,

our first day in Desmond, our last in Eugenie,

the Speakeasy Cult, open mic, and Huesman boys,

and so many more memories of blessings and joys

that you’ve given me these past 8 years,

It’s ‘cause I love you so much I’ve been shedding tears.

But we’re married now, since 4 years past,

and though we’ll live separate, our bond will always last.

To Nicole “Poopy” Shokrolla:

I call you that with LOVE,

‘cause  you are my favorite Cookie.

You’re a blessing from above.

You are the wildly hot Ugie

who likes to eat Toffuti.

You killed a guy named Stu,

and you specialize in Poo,

though you did major in Dance,

and I know it wasn’t chance

that brought us together in 223

to tell each other stories of seeing guys pee,

to play cards and old school video games,

to sing karaoke with stupid nicknames,

to get stuck in traffic for over 3 hours,

to eat like cows and hog the shower.

We found your hidden talents and semi-crude mind.

If I searched my whole life, I would never find

another roomie as amazing as you.

I’ll miss you Cookie, you and your poo!

To A-Town, D. Peaches, my partner in crime:

It’s impossible to name all our ridiculous good times.

From creepers, to formals, to crazy ADG,

Both good and bad times with our “Delta x 3”

Lettuce on your shirt, sleeping on UHALL garage floor,

Never quite knowing what the nights had in store,

Ghetto Mondays, Jerry’s, and Custom North Star,

Cruisin around in my monkeyed-out car,

Hanging with G and laughing ‘til we cry,

Believing we should have been born a guy.

I’ll miss our shinanagins and late night chats,

the funky exchanges with all the frats.

“Go Team!…What happened?” “Fireside?”

I couldn’t have a better partner, no matter how hard I tried.

From Glow, Sangría, to Air Conditioned,

To midnight dance parties in the kitchen.

JT, Rihanna, and Britney repeated,

the balding men and bugaboos deleted,

Creeper Walks and shout outs to Jenny B!

I effing love you, dirty, ‘cause you complete me!

I love my MANN, and all that you do.

The Will Ferrell obsession, staying up ‘til 2:00,

random décor, dorky ways,

Amanda on the couch eating her Lays,

crumping, “Bring It On,” straw paper glasses,

going to the beach in between classes,

always eating, Tennis Tuesdays, TJ Maxx,

getting Amanda to eat healthy snacks,

Knotts, Blasting Miley, the list never ends,

So thanks for being my Mafia, and my very best friends.

I love you MANN!    🙂

Recap of several dreams over the last few weeks.

1) I planned Demi Lovato’s birthday and then called her to explain the details to her, and see if she approved.  She was being a weirdo teenage girl and giggling too much. – Then I woke up.

2) My boss was at my house, trying to get me to confess “what I did” to my parents (I don’t know what I did). Then my house suddenly began sinking into water, and turned into the Titanic (but still my house).  I couldn’t find my boss, but I saw my family in the water and pulled them out, one by one.

I couldn’t find my dad, though, and all I could do or think about was looking for him to pull him out.  I was freaking out, but I knew I would find him.  Then I saw him, and went to get him.  – Then I woke up.

3) Some Christmas Carolers came to our home. They were singing at our door, but I was mad because I didn’t like carolers, so instead of giving them money, I told my mom I was gonna give them lasagna (she had made it for dinner).  My mom said she had already put a little “surprise” for them in each lasagna piece.

Then this guy from my high school was suddenly there, and was giving us props for being creative.  He thought we were cool and wanted to stay and hang out, so I gave him a soda. – Then I woke up.

4) The guy I liked peed all over the inside of my car.  In zig-zag lines, everywhere.  I was really mad.  His best friend told me about it.  His best friend was the bad guy from “Kindergarten Cop” – the dude with the ponytail.  I yelled at the peeing guy, then woke up.

5) There was some work party in a giant house, late at night with a full moon.  I was in a room with this Asian guy who kept grabbing me, and put his hand up my skirt, so I got mad and beat the crap out of him.  I beat him up bad.

One guy from work saw me, but he only saw me beating the Asian guy up. He went and started telling everyone I work with, one by one, not to be friends with me because I was a bully.  I finally caught up to him and told him that I beat the Asian guy up because he was groping me and put his hand up my skirt.  The guy said, “oooooooh, okay” and then, “well, good for you.”  – Then I woke up.

DREAM: Aliens from Kindergarten

Posted: November 20, 2010 in Dreams

When I was in Kindergarten, I dreamt that aliens came to our new house on Lamer Street, and we fought them.  We fought them with our ninja-karate moves.

We were winning.  Then I woke up.

DREAM: DMX Tried to Kill Me!

Posted: November 20, 2010 in Dreams

For some reason, DMX was mad at me, and so he started trying to catch me and kill me.  Faith Evans was helping him.  Both were angry and violent.

There was a lot of running through corridors, rooms, and more doors.  DMX did not catch up with me, but Faith did.

She caught me by the back of my shirt, and started digging her knife into my lower back.  It hurt so bad, and started bleeding a little.  She was grinding it in slowly.

Then I woke up.  I’ve been afraid of DMX ever since.  (and Faith Evans a little)

DREAM: Lucille Ball and Baby

Posted: November 19, 2010 in Dreams

Don’t remember all the details.  Lucille Ball and Desai Arnez had a new-born baby.  They were staying in a hotel.  Staying in the room next to them was Charlie Sheen, Emilio Estevez, and that other dude from “The Breakfast Club” that also looks like them.  They were annoyed because the baby kept crying and making noise.

The next day, Lucille Ball went to church, and had to take the baby with her because she had nowhere else to put it.  So she went inside the church, and suddenly I was Lucille Ball holding the baby.  I went into a church pew, and who was sitting there but Charlie, Emilio, and Breakfast Club dude.

As soon as they saw me and the baby, they dogged me in annoyance.  The baby started fussing and crying a little, and the Sheen pack eyed me.  I did my best to soothe the baby, but it was taking awhile.  The Sheen pack was not happy.  This was getting stressful.

Then I woke up.  THE NEXT DAY I SAW EMILIO ESTEVEZ ON THE WB LOT!! He looked at me, and almost stared at me in a weird way, like he KNEW!!! AH!

The Indian girl slapped Jebediah across the face.

“Snap out of it, boy!”  Jebediah stopped yelling and took a deep breath so he wouldn’t cry in front of the tough Indian girl.  He didn’t want her to think he was a pansy.

“I’m sorry, but I just can’t believe it.  Are you sure we’re in Canada?” Jebediah asked.

The Indian girl picked up some meat from the trash can next to her and shoved it in Jebediah’s mouth.

“Does that answer your question?” she asked.  Jebediah made a disgusting face.

“Canadian bacon?! EW!” He spit out the 8-day old bacon.

“What’s wrong with Canada anyway?” The Indian girl asked.  “This country has done a lot for the world.”

“Like what?” Jebediah asked.

“Like…” The Indian girl hesitated.  “Shut up! Canadians are nice people, okay! They gave you Maple Syrup!”

“Okay, okay, jeez!” Jebediah said.  “What’s your name, anyway?”

“Lulu,” the Indian girl answered.

“Well, Lulu, will you help me get back home?”

“I don’t know…what’s in it for me?” Lulu asked.

“You’ll be helping someone in need. I thought you said Canadians are nice people.”

“I’m not Canadian, you fool!  I just live here.  Give me your shoes, and I’ll make that cheeseburger wish he was never born,” Lulu said.

Jebediah looked down at his new Willy Wonky chocolate shoes with sadness.  They still had some dog poop on them.

“Fine,” Jebediah said as he took them off and handed them to Lulu.  She put them on with a big smile, except they were 4 sizes too big, so she looked like a clown.  A Willy Wonka clown.

“Lets go,” Lulu said, “I saw him go this way.  But we have to hurry because I have to get home soon.  Dr. Phil starts at 4:00pm.”

Lulu and Jebediah began walking in the direction that the cheeseburger escaped.  Lulu stopped by the trash can.

“What’s wrong?” Jebediah asked.

“Do you smell that?” Lulu asked.

“Smell what?”  Suddenly, a small dark object shot up out of the trash can and hit both Lulu and Jebediah.

“Baaaaah!  Gotcha!”  It was the cheeseburger, except now he was all black because he had been grilled and burnt by the fire in the trash can.  And he also had some dog poop on him.  The disguised cheeseburger grabbed Lulu and Jebediah with his lettuce hands.

“Who wants to go bye-bye?” the cheeseburger said.

“I’ll bye-bye your face in a second!” Lulu yelled.  The cheeseburger spit pickles at Lulu’s eyes.

“Aaah!  I can’t see!  Do something, boy!” she yelled.  Jebediah growled like a lion and took a big bite out of the cheeseburger.

“Oow! You’ll pay for that, Jebediah!”   The cheeseburger was really angry now.  He had a big hole in his head.  He suddenly sang an ancient Japanese chant.

“Thanas soonas sooneechee!” A flash of green light with pink polka dots filled the sky.  The day turned into night.  Jebediah saw a carriage pass by in front of them, with people dressed strangely sitting inside.

“Where are we?” Lulu asked after she took the pickles off of her eyes.

“You mean WHEN are we?” Jebediah asked with fear, but trying to hide his fear so Lulu wouldn’t think he was a pansy.

“Muah ha ha ha!” the cheeseburger cackled. “I forgot to mention, I’m ALSO a time machine! SUCKA! Juked again! Ha ha!”


POEM: Dark and Stormy Night

Posted: October 13, 2010 in Poems

Twas a dark and stormy night

and  all through the town,

not a creature was sturring.

They were all party bound.

The men at the club

were styled with care,

in hopes that Amanda Holm

soon would be there.

As the door flung open,

they all looked in awe,

for standing in the doorway,

it was Amanda they saw.

As she walked to the center,

she looked beautiful and fair,

but then, out of nowhere,

her face grew some hair.

She looked up at the moonlight,

and out sprung a wing.

She realized with fear,

she had forgotten one thing.

A full moon was out,

she was supposed to be in,

but it was too late.

She grew ugly new skin.

In every direction,

the men ran and screamed,

but the women stood calmly,

and plotted and schemed.

“Lets get her!” said Maggie.

“Attack!” yelled Nahreen.

And they all jumped on Amanda

in a violent mob scene.

Though they outnumbered Amanda,

they were scratched and bitten.

Then, suddenly,

Amanda turned into a kitten.

The black kitten ran,

but the women let her go.

They had had enough

of that magic-ridden show.

But something in the women

had changed that night,

for they went home with the men

without putting up a fight.

Then all the women took their men,

who had completely no suspicion,

and devoured them after mating

to complete Amanda’s mission.

DREAM: Stabbed Kid

Posted: October 11, 2010 in Dreams

(I had this dream awhile ago, so some of the details are lost).

After losing a sports game, a kid was in the locker room alone with the coach.  The kid was dressed in a Boy Scout uniform.  The coach yelled at him and blamed him for everything.

Suddenly, I was in the locker room, too, and we were discussing a plan.  The kid began yelling back at the coach, and explaining with very intelligent vocabulary what the problem was with the game, and with our plan, and what we needed to do to fix it.

It made perfect sense, and I agreed with the kid’s suggestions.  The coach, however, did not.  He lost it, shouted some line, like “fix this!” and stabbed the boy in the gut with a large knife.

The kid was in shock and pain, and sunk to the floor, dying.

The coach offered me the knife and wanted me to stab the kid.  I refused.  He said we had to pull out his organs, but I didn’t want to do it.

The coach got fed up and stabbed the kid again himself, gutted him, pulled out his entrails, and left him on the floor.  The coach then exited the locker room.

I just stood there, looking at the kid in shock.  Poor kid.  He was a smart one.  He could have helped us with our plan.  Whatever the plan was.  But mostly, he was a nice kid, who didn’t deserve to die for making a comment.  A smart and true comment.

Now I knew, I had to watch what I said around the coach.  He was like a mob boss.  Piss him off, and you’re dead.  I planned on calling the cops when I was in a safer place.  But for now, I just stared sadly at the dead kid on the locker room floor.

Then I woke up.

“You stupid cheesehead!” Jebediah shouted at the cheeseburger in his hand.  He chucked the burger as far as he could.

“Ow!” a voice shouted.  Jebediah turned and saw a young Indian girl rubbing her face, where some cheese residue sat on her cheek.

“I’m sorry,” Jebediah said.  He walked over to the girl.

“What the hell are you throwing a cheeseburger for, anyway?” the angry girl asked in an Indian accent.  She bent down to pick up the burger.

“NO!” Jebediah yelled.  He jumped at the girl and knocked her away from the burger.

“What is wrong with you?  Get off of me, you monkey!”  the girl yelled.  Jebediah stood up and helped the girl up.

“I’m sorry, but that cheeseburger is evil!  It’s a teleportation device.”

“A what?” the girl’s eyes popped open.

“A teleportation device,” Jebediah answered.  “It takes you to other places around the world.  But it’s evil!  It tricked me and brought me to China without telling me.”

“China?!” the girl said in surprise.

“India?” Jebediah guessed.

“No, no, boy.  You are in Canada.”

“Canada?! Nooooo!”