JOKES: Obama, Levi, The Bieb, and more!

Posted: October 1, 2010 in Jokes

Obama will be the main attraction for the Democratic National Committee fundraiser this year.  So, no clowns?  Oh wait, Biden will be there.

Levi Johnston shot some campaign photos in a gun shop a few weeks ago.  Levi’s favorite thing to hunt? Ovulating girls.

His new reality show will be called, “The Real Baby Mamas of Alaska.”

His manager compared Levi to Jesus Christ!  I’m sorry, but the only thing Levi Johnston and Jesus Christ have in common, is making someone pregnant who wasn’t supposed to be.

The Vatican Bank is being investigated for possibly breaking money laundering regulations.  Hey, little boys are expensive.

Two Americans who were competing in a balloon race went missing, after they flew over Italy.  Really?  Are you sure they’re not hiding in an attic?

A group of farmers in West Virginia have grown a giant pumpkin that weighs 954 pounds!  They named it Kirstie Alley.

Justin Beiber said he is trying to stay single.  Don’t worry, Justin, just keep that haircut.

Mexico has captured a major drug cartel leader, “El Grande.”  I guess Paris Hilton gained a lot of weight.

Lady Gaga led a rally recently to repeal the military’s “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy.  Don’t worry, Gaga, we won’t tell anyone you have a penis.

Spencer Pratt was arrested in Costa Rica a few weeks ago for possession of a firearm.  Hey,  I’d wanna shoot Heidi, too.

Did you guys watch the Emmy’s this year? Jimmy Fallon hosted.  So the actors’ hearts weren’t the only thing breaking.

Katie Holmes is in the upcoming film The Kennedys, playing Jackie O!  It makes sense that she is playing the unwanted one.  She can probably relate to her character.

A cat in Mississippi adopted a squirrel into her litter of kittens.  Now, the squirrel purrs just like a cat.  A lot of men want to put Megan Fox in the litter to see her purr like a cat, too.

Doctors say they think Lindsay Lohan was misdiagnosed with ADHD and given Adderall.  They say people who take Adderall that don’t need it can have symptoms like “smoking heavily, and tweeting and texting all night long.”  If by tweeting and texting, you mean snorting and sexting, then yes. Lindsay has an Adderall problem.

A woman in New York faked having cancer to get people to pay for her wedding and honeymoon!  And her husband found out after the honeymoon.  This just proves: men are oblivious!

Twitter is changing its features.  Soon users will be able to put pictures and videos in their tweets.  If I’m not mistaken, the term for this is called, Facebook.  Version 6-point-A.D.D.

According to an NYU study, John McCain is the best amongst the U.S. senators at using social media, like Facebook, Twitter, and Youtube. What he’s not best at: remembering where he put the computer.

Snooki was charged last month for annoying people at a beach in Jersey. If being annoying is a crime, then Kate Gosselin, you better get your ass to jail!

A male gynecologist in California is being sued for engraving a patient’s name on her  uterus after removing it in surgery.  He said he didn’t want to get it confused with the other ones.  His sex life must be interesting.  “I’m sorry! It wasn’t labeled!”

A Muslim woman is suing Disneyland for not letting her wear a head scarf to work, unless she works in the back where customers can’t see her.  Dude, just give her an apple and let her play Snow White’s stepmother! Bam! Done.  Can’t we all just get along?

Man, there are so many recalls lately, it’s crazy – eggs, deli meat, and now childrens medicine.  What next?  Recall of all the whores in city?  ‘Cause those are definitely contaminated.  And plentiful.  And being used everyday.


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